Yesterday, I was approached by one of the parents whom I had interviewed before. Because I had changed my questionnaire, I asked him if I could interview him and his child again. He seemed very eager to talk to us again, and promised us that he will bring his child to the clinic today. I was a little puzzled by such eagerness to participate in the interview, but I just assumed that he simply wanted to talk to us.

Today, this father came to my office upstairs – actively came looking for us – which never happens. When we asked him the questions about disclosure of HIV and the mental health impact on the child, he kept talking about the stress the child gets from lack of enough food. At the end of the interview with the father and before we could bring in his child, he spoke for five minutes, clearly showing that he was agitated or distressed by something.

After this long spiel, when the translator finally translated all that the father said, I was in shock. The father said that all these foreigners (like myself) come and ask him questions, but nothing changes. They are still hungry – the child still has no food in his stomach when the child takes the medication… It was clear that he expected that in return for participating in such studies, he expected to get something in return. My translator helped me explain that this study is mainly about helping children with the psychosocial stress and cannot help them with their food insecurity.

While the translator was gone, I further explained that I am only a student, but I will try my best to communicate his frustration with the international aid and research…

This interview made my day very difficult. I think my biggest worry is becoming like one of the international organizations or researchers that this father spoke of – that was unable to make changes in the lives of the participants, who took the time and energy to share personal and emotionally challenging stories with me. I had promised him that I will try my best to communicate his frustration with such international aid organizations, but what good will this do? Could I even accomplish what I promised – to improve the mental health services provided to children at the clinic?

Earlier this day, I spoke with one of the cleaning ladies. She asked me that when I finish my schooling and have a job of my own, to provide an opportunity for her daughter to study in the U.S. too. Caught in the moment and excited about this idea, I immediately made this promise. Now, I wonder if it is okay to make such promises. Another cleaning lady at the clinic has asked me to find her a husband. I couldn’t say ‘no’ to such request. But in retrospect, I wonder if I have made some false promises I cannot fulfill… It seems to me that I could devote my life to all of these promises and still be unable to fulfill them all. I am so grateful that they have taken me in so graciously, keep inviting me to their house, and have made me feel so much at home here. But I wonder now if I am taking so much that I can’t return all of these favors… As my sixth week (out of 8 weeks in Ethiopia) wind down, I am beginning to worry more about how to say goodbye and how to keep in touch with everyone. Is there actually a right way to do this?  Could I find a better way to respond to such requests that I am not sure if I can fulfill?

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